Things I Learned in the South

Being a Southern Lady myself, I can poke a bit of fun at folks who live below the line that divides the South from the rest of the US. Now read on . . . . . . .

A possum is a flat animal that sleeps in the middle of the road. There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 of them live in the South. There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 of them live in the South, plus a couple no ones seen before. If it grows, it'll stick ya. If it crawls, it'll bite cha. Onced and Twiced are words. It is not a shopping cart, it i's a buggy! People actually grow and eat okra. Fixinto is one word. It means I'm fixing to do that. There is no such thing as lunch. There is only dinner and then there is supper. Iced tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you're two. We do like a little tea with our sugar. Backwards and forwards means I know everything about you. The word jeet is actually a phrase meaning Did you eat? You don't have to wear a watch, because it doesn't matter what time it is, you work until yer done or its too dark to see. You don't PUSH buttons, you MASH em. You measure distance in minutes. You switch from heat to A/C in the same day. All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect, or animal. You know what a DAWG is. You carry jumper cables in your car - for your OWN car. You only own five spices: salt, pepper, Tonys, Tabasco and ketchup. The local papers cover national and international news on one page, but require 6 pages for local high school sports and motor sports, and gossip. You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday. You find 100 degrees Fahrenheit a bit warm. You know all four seasons: Almost summer, summer, still summer, and Christmas. Going to Wal-Mart is a favorite pastime known as goin Wal-Martin or off to Wally World. You describe the first cool snap (below 70 degrees) as good chicken stew weather. Fried catfish is the other white meat.